Please, someone take these.
1. A spider catcher so you can humanely remove a spider from your home and not kill it because deep down you aren’t a monster.2. Wireless earbuds.3. A machine that covers almonds with leftover chocolate.4. A bottle opener that is on your keychain but it opens the bottle in a cool way like it’s a machete or something, mobile party trick.5. An automatic paper dispenser that covers your kitchen table so when you are done eating you tear it off and it replaces the paper, like they have at doctors’ offices.6. A bot that tweets out “PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW” every time the Pew Research Center issues a new report.7. A self-changing diaper for babies.8. An app that tells you you don’t have your sunglasses on your face when you’re walking away.9. Sunglasses rack so you never lose your fucking sunglasses.10. An app that alerts you when you are holding that thing in your hand that you think you lost, or alternatively that it’s on your head.11. Bubble wrap that re-bubbles itself 5 minutes after you pop it for an endless popping experience.
12.Shoes that make custom footstep sound effects when you jump. like you can turn them into clown footstep sounds.13.Vegetables that taste like pizza.14.Healthy liquor.15.Disposable carbonators, like Sodastream but single-use, so you can carbonate your coffee for whatever reason and not worry about screwing up the Sodastream because who’s never wanted to taste carbonated coffee?16.Scent-detecting candles that light when they need to be lit, so if the dog farts the candle lights.17.A device that when you get mail you drop it in and it will tear it up and scan it and then put it in your inbox.18.A guy that follows you around and when someone you don’t like is talking to you, you give the guy a nod and he starts doing fake karate moves at the person until they go away.19.A person that follows you around and plays the appropriate soundtrack at the appropriate moment like in the movies. 20.An alarm in public bathrooms that goes off if someone tries to leave without washing their hands and shames them until they do wash their hands.21.An electronic sign on bathroom doors at work that tells you how many people are currently in the bathroom so you can decide if you can poop or not.22.That ultra-shredder from How I Met Your Mother.23.A dustbuster but superpowered, that gets rid of literally anything like if there is a pizza slice on the ground bam it’s gone, and then it disinfects the area with UV radiation. Because fuck you ants, you get nothing.24.A robot that automatically shames your dog when you are potty training it and it goes in the house.
25.A bed that makes itself.26.A rat trap that, when it traps a rat, yells, “oh rats!”.27.Toilet water that neutralizes the smell of poop.28.Really good synthetic genitalia. 29.Colored contacts for your nipples.30.A lightsaber that can be used to cut cake.31.A prize every time you successfully consumed fruit, vegetables, or a salad against your will, like maybe a small self-cleaning confetti explosion.32.An opt-in double blind system to notify people who want to know if you have a boner.33.A modular bookshelf that sizes itself to how many books you have, and then when someone asks you why you don’t just have a Kindle it shoots a book at them.34.A shoe rack that intelligently dispenses shoes based on the clothes you are currently wearing and hides the other 37 pairs.35.A couch that is like kind of tall, and when you press a button it goes all Inspector Gadget and raises up to reveal it has storage underneath for suitcases. 36.Better yet, a couch that you can not lose things like change or crumbs in. Why do couch cushions even exist anyway, why can’t it just be a couch? Ban couch cushions.37.A coffee table that serves coffee.
38.Hardwood floors that double as a wifi antenna.39.A device that converts regular Coke to Mexican Coke.40.Quick-drying towel for handwashing, especially good for people who wash their hands every 30 minutes because they are neurotic.41.A screen by the door that displays only one thing: should you bring your umbrella or not.42.Trash that takes itself out.43.Self cleaning toilet.
44.Re-usable paper towels.45.Something that will tell me what kind of wine you should drink with whatever food you’re eating, even if it is hotdogs and spaghetti (even if it’s 2 buck chuck).46.An app where you take a photo of bottles of liquor you have and it gives you a drink to mix.47.An earth-friendly method for disposing of those shitty hangars you get from the dry cleaner’s.48.Those disc guns, that but for bottlecaps (although safe speed for no injury natch).49.A gym bag that automatically washes your gym clothes. or maybe a gym bag that is like, part soap, so when you get home you just throw it into a washing machine or sink and it cleans your gym clothes.50.A game console that plays any kind of game (is this just a PC?).51.Self-playing guitar, so you can impress people without actually playing the guitar.52.Really big headphones that are noise canceling except when they detect an interesting conversation that you want to eavesdrop in they go quiet so you can eavesdrop, and no one will ever know. 53.A stuffed robotic tiger that if someone breaks into your house will literally leap out and maul your enemies.54.An alert that tells someone to take off their fucking shoes when they enter the apartment.55.Cutting boards that clean themselves, or the vegetables fly off like those hydrophobic surfaces.56.A coffee table comic book that updates with the latest web comics.57.Netflix for shows not on Netflix.58.Netnets: Netflix for actual nets you want to borrow, like butterfly nets or volleyball nets.59.An app that will tell you what that annoying bird noise at 6am is so you can tell if it is some beautiful bird and feel better about it or if it’s a crow or something and you should go out and shoo it or something.60.A tiny fan that you can attach somehow to the base of your hair so it always blows air on the back of your neck.61.Shazam for people you met at parties.62.Shazam for actors.63.Shazam for plants.
64.A “Fav” button for emails.65.A thing that creates a constant stream of wind through your hair so you can move through the world pretending to be Mariah Carey.66.Something that’ll tell you when you forgot to hit “send” on a text.67.A trio that follows you around cheering you and clapping for you every time you get something right or make a toss into a trashcan. Like your own personal fan club. 68.A thing that will safely detonate the computers, phones, etc of people when you accidentally send them an email you shouldn’t have sent before they have a chance to read it.69.A doorman service for people without doormen70.A check box on letters/boxes that were wrongfully delivered that you just mark and leave out your door so someone picks them up and sends them back.71.CAPTCHA but for ghosts, to prove they are human before they’re allowed to open and close my cupboards every night.72.A device that translates your dog’s barking into words.
73.A mirror that takes pics. Sometimes you look in the mirror and be all like, “Damn, I look good as shit,” but then when you take the pic on your phone WITH the same pose it doesn’t look good.74.A tv show that is really good, like House of Cards, but watching it does something to your brain and makes you smarter.75.A virtual reality program where you get to die to see what happens when you die, but then you come back to life.76.fREe MOney CliCK HErE! and it gives you free money77.A game where you have to shoot three penguins and then you get a free iPad78.An extension that tells you if someone’s been creeping on your Facebook profile but only if you also creep on their Facebook profile (mutual creepin).79.A B.O.meter that tells you if other people can smell you. 80.A moisturizer that you put on once IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE so you never have to do it again. 81.A device that blocks and/all mouth-sound frequencies, including popcorn crunching in quiet movies like Drive.82.An electronic attachment to your seltzer can to tell you how much seltzer is left so you don’t have to pick it up to find out if it’s empty.83.Shoes that are actually tiny washing machines so you never have to wash your socks.
84.Gloves that extend up your arms and then cover your torso and wow it’s a whole shirt.85.A light in the taxi to indicate when the taxi driver is talking to you and when he is talking to someone on the phone.86.Books that are perfectly balanced so you never need bookends or nothin’. They just sit there looking good.87.An “emoji restaurant” where you order real food by texting emoji to the kitchen. 88.A restaurant called “glory hole sushi roll” – where the chef serves you sushi directly into your mouth through small holes in the wall.89.”Public email” where every message is public so people can read all the funny messages you send to your friends.90.A bird whose feathers are facing inward so it’s always tickling itself and laughing laughing oh that crazy bird.91.Calorie free food. It’s 2014.92.A box of cereal that actually takes away one of your children’s toys to teach them about the harsh realities of life.
*Not true at all.