How Goth Are You?

  1. 1. What is your go-to hairstyle?

    1. Blow-dried sidesweep

      Your hair’s naturally curly, right? How long does this take you in the morning??

    2. Matted bedhead

      This look is achieved by grinding your head into a pillow in agony, then adding hairspray.

    3. Hairspray sunburst

      Your face constantly looks like it’s exploding out of your own hair.

    1. Brown and boring because your stupid parents won’t let you dye it

      “Mom, can I at least do a STREAK?”

    2. Shaved on one side, long on the other

      Show a little skull.

    3. Sharp razor bob

      Severe, just like you.

  2. 2. What is your biggest pet peeve?

    1. Parents visibly steer their children away from you on the sidewalk.

      They don’t get that you just LOOK scary! These fangs pop right out, see? Oh, wait, now the kid is sobbing.

    2. No one can pronounce the goth pseudonym you chose to hide the fact that your real name is Susan.

      Why couldn’t your parents have named you “Prystess Eliphyre Vampyrina” instead of something so totally weird?

    3. You can’t decide whether to use a free afternoon writing poetry, making music, or painting.

      There are just TOO many ways to express the turmoil of your inner soul sometimes, you know?

    1. Mall cops won’t let you loiter in the food court unless you’re eating something.

      But you already spent all your money on leather spike collars!

    2. How could you pick when EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS SO PAINFUL?

      Your pet peeve is the ongoing struggle of being alive.

    3. Too many people want to date you. It’s, like, so annoying!

      The above website will never, ever grace the screen of your laptop, as you’re already rolling in potential paramours.

  3. 3. What is your favorite goth band?

    1. Bauhaus


    2. Sisters of Mercy


    3. HIM


    1. The Cure

      “BOYS DON’T CRY”

    2. Nine Inch Nails


    3. Evanescence


  4. 4. What is your favorite animal?

    1. Ravens

      You like that they’re symbols of death.

    2. Black cats

      They represent evil forces at work, just like you.

    3. Venomous snakes

      Not only your favorite animal, but also your favorite accessory. Who says “boa” has to mean one or the other?

    1. Rats

      They remind people of the filth of existence, which you see everywhere you go.

    2. Your family dog

      Dogs are totally goth, right? R-right?

    3. Vampire bats

      You’d totally transform into one if you could.

  5. 5. What gothic article of clothing or accessory would you never leave the house/coven without?

    1. Cape

      You’re not *actually* a vampire, but that can be our little secret.

    2. Slipknot shirt

      Hot Topic’s finest.

    3. Ankh necklace

      The Egyptian symbol of eternal life, which is perfect for an undead being like yourself.

    1. Black lipstick

      Every word that comes out of your mouth has to pass through ~darkness~ first.

    2. Parasol and fan

      Satan FORBID the sun ever touch your perfectly sallow skin.

    3. “Edgy” temporary tattoos

      “You’re SURE these wash off in the shower, right?”

  6. 6. What is your most embarrassing moment?

    1. You tried to dance in seven-inch platform boots at the local industrial club and promptly ate shit.

      You didn’t realize that anything more ambitious than shifting daintily from side to side would result in disaster. And, also, that DANCING ISN’T GOTH.

    2. You thought that Marilyn Manson was an Old Hollywood movie star.

      Everyone else at the seance was like, “WHO INVITED THIS LOSER?”

    3. You burst into tears in an inappropriate place during an existential crisis and everyone laughed and was like, “Again?”

      Wait, this still happens to you at least once a day because life is UNFORGIVINGLY CRUEL AND FULL OF TORMENT.

    1. You were supposed to go see a midnight screening of Rocky Horror with your friends, but got grounded for not doing your homework.

      At least now all your cool goth pals won’t know you’re a V FOR VIRGIN.

    2. You tried to do a charcoal portrait of a vampire, but everyone in your art class mistook it for the guy from Fall Out Boy.

      You haven’t even listened to them since middle school! UGH.

    3. During a discussion of your favorite literature, you accidentally said you loved Ayn Rand when you meant Anne Rice.

      You’ve never actually read either, so it was bound to happen at some point.

  7. 7. What is your favorite movie?

    1. Nightmare Before Christmas

      Aw, look at the cute little skeleton!

    2. The Crow

      You model your everyday look on his badass leather trench coat/white makeup aesthetic.

    3. Nosferatu

      To you, all other vampires are total poseurs.

    1. The Craft

      They’re JUST LIKE you, except you can’t get the Ouija to spell anything but “GKLBH.”

    2. The Birds

      The birds represent the world’s bloodthirsty forces trying to oppress your inner spirit.

    3. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein

      You identify closely with a misunderstood monster forged from an oh-so-twisted world.

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