1. Candy mimes fellatio in a lecture on civil rights.
This is, of course, after Brit passes her a note declaring, “I WANT PENIS.” That their professor continues to talk about the civil rights movement only makes this lewd behavior more jarring.
2. Candy, Brit, and Cotty steal their professor’s car to rob a restaurant.
They’re natural criminals, after reminding themselves to pretend it’s just a movie and not be afraid of anything. After the robbery, they torch the professor’s car and roll around in their loot. “Seeing all this money makes my pussy wet,” Candy purrs.
3. Cotty writhes on the floor covered in booze while Faith calls her grandmother.
They’re having a good, safe time, grandma. Honest! Meanwhile, Cotty is chanting, “You’re never gonna get this pussy” to the drunk bros standing over her.
4. The girls show no remorse as they reenact their robbery in a parking lot.
“Get on the fucking ground!” They also pretend to be deaf — apparently a legit way to get rid of an annoying guy — and sing “…Baby One More Time.” Because they’re just the worst.
5. After doing a bunch of coke off each other, the girls are arrested and thrown into jail.
Even Faith, the nice one!
6. They’re bailed out by Alien, who is insanely creepy.
He quickly asks the girls if they’ve ever experimented with each other, then talks to them about the sexual proclivities of his twin friends. (They’re into double penetration. It sounds like what it is.)
7. Alien shows off his collection of guns, money, drugs, and shorts.
Also hats. He’s ridiculous, and it’s amazing. In addition to a random assortment of weapons he has hanging over his bed (yes, there are nunchucks), he mentions that his DVD player is always showing Scarface on a loop. Cool guy!
8. Candy and Brit orally violate Alien with two of his loaded machine guns.
Don’t worry, it turns consensual. Alien eventually gets into it and starts treating the gun like it’s Candy’s — well, you know. It’s good for all of them. “You’re my motherfucking soulmates,” Alien gushes.
9. The girls force Alien to play something sensitive at gunpoint.
He chooses “Everytime” by Britney Spears, and yes, it becomes a singalong.
10. There’s an amazing crime montage scored to “Everytime.”
It’s violent and upsetting, but Britney has never sounded better. You won’t hear the song the same way again.
WARNING: SPOILERS. Proceed at your own risk.
11. It’s all fun and games until Cotty gets shot.
Hey, at least it’s just in the arm. Alien pulls the bullet out, then sterilizes with alcohol before giving her a toke from his joint. Even though she survives, Cotty decides Spring Break is over. Good move.
12. Candy and Brit join Alien for a hot jacuzzi threesome.
“I think I love you,” Alien admits. “We think we love you,” they reply. The audience doesn’t see much, but there’s a whole lot of underwater gyrating.
13. The final shootout is bloody.
Candy, Brit, and Alien go after a rival gang for revenge. Alien is instantly killed, but the girls are actually able to emerge triumphant. It’s kind of a happy ending? Mostly gross and awful, though. R.I.P. Alien.
14. Original music by Skrillex.
Is there anything more chilling? Just when you think Spring Breakers is over, those closing credits leave you more unsettled than ever.